Respect

I've been going over customer comments from 2004 in preparation for next week's 2005 Dream event.  I have included my favourite comments/complaints:

"Great service, but there's no such thing as perfect! You can do better!!!" - Twat!

"First she did not want to do the survey, she said I'm really dissatisfied but do not have time to do a survey.  Then I tried to convince her to do a survey because that would be easier for us to know why she is not happy.  She was OK with that.  When I asked her the first question, she said she could not answer this because she could never get through. And she had no time anyway.  I asked her if she wanted someone to contact her about this, and she said no.  I asked her if we could contact her in the future about ****the company**** and she said I should speak to her technical person, the one who put me through." - What do you want me to do about it?

"I find this question a senseless one.  The only person who could give me this answer was someone the calibre of **name removed**.  I can not speak highly enough of ***name removed***.  You should all take a leaf out of his book"  - Noted

UK done, Germany, France and Italy to go...

Evil, going to kill me

The fax machine is making a funny noise and I don't like it!

Cupboardy

Oh dear, I'm sitting in a cupboard. Well, actually it's the "guest room" with a sleeping bag in it.  Who am I kidding, I'm sitting alone, in my cupboard. All together now, big awwww...

Cupboardy

Oh dear, I'm sitting in a cupboard. Well, actually it's the "guest room" with a sleeping bag in it.  Who am I kidding, I'm sitting alone, in my cupboard. All together now, big awwww...

Me want home

I should have stayed in bed this morning.  I arrive to the office to be greeted by an email from a business partner who needs me to analyse some data for him in order to win back a very valuable customer.  I have lines like "...this is our golden opportunity, everything now depends on the speed of recovering the results." and "We need to get the information by Thursday, it is for a winback account, and everything now depends on this information".  Yes, no pressure at all.  

test

testy

Early warning signs

You know you're reading the right newspaper when you come across an article entitled "How Much to Tip The Servants This Christmas"

You know you need to change your shift when you take a night bus to work!

You know you've been complaining too much when you pick up an Indian accent from calling your bank every day.

You know you need more sleep when you get your bus pass out to open your front door.

You know you need new clothes when that draft tickles more than just your nipples.

You know, yet you don't care. Shame on you!

Office politics

The golden rule of the office (well, one of many) never go to the toilet with your manager!  The risk of being trapped in a conversation is far too high!  I was about to go and heard the creak of the manager's office door.  Hold it in! No pain no gain, no pain, no pain aarrghh!

Tragedy

Wendy sits to my left behind a screen, and talks to herself a lot since her desk is all on it's own. She sometimes forgets there are people here on the other side. All of a sudden I heard her exclaim "Gosh! This is heavier than I thought" followed by a *bang*. I peered over the seperating screen expecting the worst. There she was giggling, she had moved a folder which was surprisingly heavy, and then tripped over her chair. It sounded much worse than it looked. Hehe that put a smile on my face.

Rule Brittania

I'm proud to be British! It's all about samosa's and ketchup :o) Also it's highly likely that I've mis-spelt the title!

SPAM

Don't you just love SPAM in your inbox?  Some of the more amusing subject lines I've come across are

SUBJECT > VIAGRA!! 24 hours of SEX!
(Somehow I think 24 hours could be a bit painful)

SUBJECT > GOOD NEWS! SHE'S FINALLY 18
(Really? I'm happy for her.  I'm sure she's off to university and will enjoy her time there?)

SUBJECT >You have arthritis! We can help!!!
(I'm pretty sure I don't otherwise I would have noticed.  Thanks for offering to help anyway)

SUBJECT >Make it bigger
(What, my bank balance? My living room? My TV? I opened this email and it's rather comical)

Here is an extract from the "Make it bigger" email

'Hi, I'm the Dìck Fairy
go here http://********************************
and in a few months your c*ck will be 3-4 inches LARGER
Massive Width & Length is yours for the taking
Make it come true..women will love it and you will too'

I repeat, don't you just love SPAM?

Wise words

Kids, life is full of disappointment.

Can't sleep, they're coming to get me

My flat mate returned home after Christmas with a huge grin on his face.  Yes, he got sea monkeys, or evil sea shit's as I like to call them.  They look so cute on the box, but don't let that give you false hope.  If you're expecting something cute and furry think again.  What you get looks more like something that will eat you alive or curse you in ways you could never imagine.  It's pure evil and looks something like this...

[It won't let me add an image so I'll get one later]

I'd rather snuggle up to a hungry crocodile than have one of those in my flat! But last night we proceeded to create life.  They require 2 litres of bottled water (because tap water isn't good enough for them!!!) and 12 hours of light a day.  The lucky buggers get their own dedicated lamp!  It's only a matter of time before they take over my room.  The sachet they come in has an unsettling warning "wash hands after handling eggs" which resulting in rather a disturbing thought.  The eggs are microscopic; what if I swallowed one and it started growing inside of me?  The instruction book points out the joy that can be attained from raising sea monkeys, and that other species may appear (oh yay, lucky me).  Also, the "females" can fertilise their own eggs meaning we'll get many more generations (oh bloomin wonderful, so they just won't die?!?!).  They require 2-3 days to hatch so we shall see what appears.  I'm already planning various ways of killing them without my flatmate finding out.  Adding vodka, boiling the water, sealing the lid etc etc.  Any suggestions?

It's all about self control

I came back from Sainsbury's yesterday with the intended cheese and mineral water.  See, I have self control! To reward myself I also bought some lovely cream cakes :o)  The self service till refused to accept my debit card.  The member of staff supervising it advised me to use cash instead.  Luckily i had a £5 note, which it also rejected.  Does this mean my shopping's free if it doesn't want my money?  No, came the reply and the assistant was more than happy to provide coins grr!

My morning run across the tarmac to the station has turned into a dash through the enchanted forest.  At least 15 Christmas trees have been dumped on the pavement grr!

Hmm, it would be nice if I could have 3 grr's in this post.  Ah! My train (which is so reliably late) was on time today which was unexpected, grr!

Fw: Euro English

Happy new year, with a bit of spam I received today at work.

-------------------

The following is an update on the implementation of the English language as the official language of the European Community.

"You will be pleased to know that The European Commission has just announced an agreement, whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

 After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!!

Big Spender

I'm just going to Sainsbury's to buy some mineral water and some cheese.  How naive am I?  We all know we always come out of a supermarket with more then we went in for.  I'm curious to see what I bring back...

Grow Up

Ignore me, I'm still excited over this email to blog thing.

YAY

I've discovered the wonder that is blogging by email.  So much easier, although I know that one day I'll forget to erase my signature and I'll have loads of freaks calling me at work.  I should be blogging more regularly now *cue evil laugh* muahahahaha

A Fool No More

Orange juice in a can.  For many a month I have been extremely suspicious.  Today my suspicions have been confirmed.  A big no no!

I apologise in advance

Goddam Ken Livingstone putting up transport fares, my journey to work is £1 extra now, almost £15 a day!!! I don't even get a seat these days since 6 carriages have mysteriously disappeared from my morning train. Bus fares up from 70 pence less than a year ago to £1.20, a bloomin 50p increase.
Whilst I'm complaining I'll mention British Midland with whom I recently flew from Brussels. My ticket was advertised as including an on-board meal, so I didn't stop at the cafe in the airport to eat. Why pay for overpriced airport food when I'll get something nice on the plane, perhaps a sandwich, or if I'm lucky a hot meal like in the good old days. Did I get anything? No, just a biscuit. There's a good boy, have a biscuit, no, beg, come on, beg. I have never been so insulted in all my life. Oh and the flight was an hour late; the crew didn't really seem to care.
What else has pissed me off in the past week or so. Ah, Southern Trains. I estimate that as a direct result of their crap service I have been delayed by almost half a day. Last Wednesday 23 minutes late meaning I missed my connection and had to wait half an hour. Thusday 18 minutes late. New Years Eve 19 minutes late. Yesterday 8 minutes late. Need I say any more.
Also I can't stand *SHUT UP*